Some time ago, I met a man at a church where he served as choir director. We became instant friends largely due to the fact that I too am in the ministry of worship and music, and anything about such tickles my ears and quickens all my senses! He too was so much into church history which is my next top interest.
One afternoon, walking back to the car right after having afternoon tea with him at a nearby Starbucks, he "felt led by the Spirit" to give me a glimpse of his past.
He drove and talked about his past at the same time. As a young pastor who practically grew up in a rather "sterile" Christian environment, listening to his story felt like I was being dragged on mud. The atmosphere began to feel contaminated with some airborne germs. I felt uneasy. It was so horrid that even as he talked I was making up my mind to never associate myself with him any closer than that of an acquaintance especially when he said that he continues to struggle with the problem! "Did I shock you, Pastor Jon?" he asked. I said, "More than you know." He said, "I never fail to shock people. But you see, in telling my story, I open myself to vulnerability. But I the more open the freer and authentic I become. I believe that every friend I make should know about my past so I will have more people to be accountable to and have a larger prayer network." When he said those words, the Lord Jesus reminded me of nothing else but grace and freedom. In sharing with me his story, he was letting me further into his world and was inviting me to freely move in it- to encourage, rebuke, teach, admonish laugh, cry and pray.
In a more current situation, a good friend who's been nursing a wounded heart for what seem to be a couple hundred years is another whose past keeps hunting and haunting her. But she has made a choice to give it all up. She talks about it once in a while, and her friends keep using it to tease her, driving her crazy mad! She is obviously hunted and haunted by it, but by opening it up to her closest friends, she gets liberated. And if she would only fully-totally give it up to God, the wound will heal, her scar could turn into a star to which she could point and claim, "That directed me towards the Lord more than anything else."
In his life and mine, and yours, whatever happened has happened. The facts are real. The tangible evidence is there and the scars are proof. Something happened and our reality is our reality. But in the church we have another example. As Christians we believe that Jesus came to save and heal. He went about doing good - healing the sick, making the blind see, and teaching people how to have a better life. Yet, he was betrayed by his very closest friends, and his enemies determined to kill him. He was beaten and spat upon. His hands and feet were nailed, and a crown of thorns put upon his head. His forgiveness allowed the story to be retold in such a way that it did not end in anger and pain, bitterness and despair.[1] But the story has a glorious happy ending that can never be altered. The good thing about that is, the glorious happy ending includes in it every person who trusts in Him.
I love the way my Senior Pastor, Luis Pantoja celebrates communion. He never fails to mention the fact that the finished work of Christ is the basis by which God forgives us, as it is the basis by which we forgive one another, and the basis by which we forgive ourselves. The victory of Christ is ours!
I was reading about Dutch Catholic priest, Henri Nouwen, who in his lifetime sought to please and follow Christ, yet at the same time struggling with loneliness, yearning for intimacy and his own sexuality. In one of his writings he said,
“Tell Your Story in Freedom. The years that lie behind you, with all their struggles and pains, will in time be remembered only as the way that led to your new life. But as long as the new life is not fully yours, your memories will continue to cause you pain. When you keep reliving painful events of the past, you can feel victimized by them. But there is a way of telling your story that does not create pain. Then, also, the need to tell your story will become less pressing. You will see that you are not long there: the past is gone, the pain has left you, you no longer have to go back and relieve it, you no longer depend on your past to identify yourself.
There are two ways of telling your story. One is to tell it compulsively and urgently, to keep returning to it because you see your present suffering as a result of your past experiences. But there is another way. You can tell your story from the place where it no longer dominates you. You can speak about it with a certain distance and see it as the way to your present freedom…From the perspective of the life you now life and the distance you now have, your past does not loom over you. It has lost its weight.” [2]
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[1] Cathy S. Gilliard, Retell Your Story, CCUMC-NYC [2] Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom, Doubleday: New York, p. 34.
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